So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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