that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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