Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
