This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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