$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
