Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
