Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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