I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
