shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
