Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
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how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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