I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
