what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
