Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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