Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's shark week go big or go home
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
