you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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