I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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