dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
