you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
