I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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