Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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