Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
