I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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