i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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