maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
