my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
