Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
