dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
