DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
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Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
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