Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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