I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
