We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
