two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
