It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
