Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
