Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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