omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
