We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
