Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You smell like stripper and shame
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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