My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
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Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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