I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
