I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
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Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
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You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize