how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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