I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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