The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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