how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
