He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
