to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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