onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
