Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
