I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
