Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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