How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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