you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
