I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
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im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
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Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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