You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
