I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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