he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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